You Don’t Have to Earn God’s Love

My childhood was pretty dysfunctional. We experienced a lot of drugs, alcohol, anger, and police involvement. My sister was murdered when I was thirteen, so I was a pretty broken, scared little girl with lots of scars.  

At thirteen, I tried my first sip of alcohol and it almost comforted me. It made all my fear, worry, and insecurity kind of settle down. I became enslaved to drugs and alcohol, received three DUIs, and spent a lot of time in jail and on probation. 

My sister had given me a necklace with the Serenity Prayer on the back. I didn’t know how to pray, but I found myself praying to a God I didn’t know. I started going to church when I was probably twenty. I don’t know why, but I would just go to church and cry. I know there was always an inner desire for Jesus, even though I didn’t know who He was. 

For years, I would destroy everything and fix it, destroy everything and fix it. Eventually, I found myself homeless in a psych ward. I’d lost everything I had, and I was totally broken beyond anything I could fix on my own. I was suicidal and carried so much shame.  

I can look back now and see God’s hand was on me from the very beginning, even though I didn’t know it. It took me totally crashing and burning for me to cry out to Him. Before Christ, there was always the weight of my past and the desperation to prove myself. That’s a heavy weight. I tell you the truth, I was carrying chains I didn’t even know I was carrying. But because of the Lord, I have freedom. 

God Wants You 

I made the choice to go into sober living for women. I got sober, was able to keep a job, saved money, bought a condo, and restored relationships with my children. In my mind, I just wanted to clean up and fix my life. But looking back now, it was so much more than that. The Lord kept calling me closer into a relationship with Him.  

Getting sober wasn’t a one and done. It was falling down, getting up, falling down, getting up. And I think my walk with Christ was the same way. I was fifty-two years old when I got baptized. That’s when I was all in.  

Walking with the Lord and being totally healed is amazing. I know I’m enough. I know He calls me daughter. I have a confidence that He never leaves me. To me, that’s so beautiful. He knows every dirty detail of my life and doesn’t leave me. I can’t explain or describe that kind of love. I think He created us to experience His love and be in relationship with Him. 

God Uses Our Brokenness 

I used to question how God could know everything I was going to do and still call me. But I understand now, because if I hadn’t experienced total brokenness, I wouldn’t be able to relate to the people I help today. He uses our brokenness for a purpose. 

For the last five years, I’ve gone to the streets of Detroit every week. I take clothing, hygiene products, food, and I build relationships. I know them by name and they know me. I love them because I know what it’s like to not feel loved. I’m called to love the lost, the broken, the misfits, and the throwaways. That was me, and because God loved me, He taught me how to love with no conditions. 

When the Lord prompted this, I denied Him for about a year. I was like, “I don’t have time. I don’t even know where to go, Lord.” We were wrestling, and finally I just couldn’t wrestle with Him no more. And I said, “All right, I’ll do it, but You’re gonna have to do it through me, because I don’t know how.” So I gathered up a couple things in my car, grabbed a girlfriend, and I just started going every Wednesday. 

One little girl that I used to really be drawn to was a heroin addict selling her body on the street. I shared Jesus with her and told her the things I used to do and how the Lord healed me. That little girl got pregnant on the streets. But she got off the streets, kept her baby, reunited with her family, and loves Christ today. 

I truly can say there’s nothing better than fulfilling your purpose. I’m in awe, and I hope I never lose that. I hope I never lose the awe of God. He loved me when I was doing the unforgivable. He loved me when I wasn’t worthy. I’m still not worthy, but He chose me. 

God Will Meet You Where You’re At 

I want people to look at me and say, “Wow, there must be a God. There’s no way she could have done this on her own.” It was painful to literally hate myself enough to want to kill myself. When I woke up in the mornings, I was disappointed. Now, I just love mornings. Joy comes in the morning. 

A lot of people think they’re beyond repair. I thought I was beyond repair. But God met me in my very bottom brokenness. There’s nothing you can do to earn His love. And that’s what I want to tell people: He’ll meet you right where you’re at. 

Editor’s Note: If you’re struggling with the hurts and habits of addiction, we have ministries available to help you find freedom. Click here to get in touch with us.