To the Parents of Students

The transition into the teenage years brings about the most significant changes a student (6th-12th graders) have ever experience at this point in their life. More than the physical changes occurring during this time, a student undergoes major physiological changes as their brain literally re-wires. The way they understand the world completely begins to shift.

This shift has a great impact on the way a student engages in relationships with parents, siblings, extended family, other adults, friends, and the opposite sex. These changes happen internally as a student processes the various dynamics of those individual relationships as well as how the relationships impact and interact with one another.

These changes also occur externally in multiple ways, determining what a student might share with one person over another and whom they “seasonally” spend time with. In other words, one year’s best friend may not be next year’s best friend, although they’re still besties. Make sense?

If you’re a student and you’re reading this, I hope you find it to be respectful, encouraging, insightful, and helpful as others look to lead, love, and come alongside you well as you grow as a young man or woman after God’s own heart. If you’re a parent, mentor, or leader, I want to share some thoughts and insights to be of encouragement to you as you look to lead and love your student(s) well during this season.

🤗 Accept instead of Assuming or Accusing

What we’ve experienced over these past few weeks has been a bit of a tragedy and tragedy produces grief. Grief is a tricky emotion as it so easily brings about every emotion all at once or in waves. It’s important to realize that your student may go through a variety of emotions in one day and/or their mood may change from week to week as we live life in this “new normal.”

A key approach to your student at this time is to ask and accept how they’re feeling instead of assuming or accusing them of feeling a certain way. Assuming we know how a student is processing and feeling about things could cause us to miss an opportunity to help them grow, to comfort them, and to learn from and about them.

Accusing a student of feeling a certain way (e.g., “You’re just being dramatic.” “You’re just being selfish.”) could damage the opportunity for greater discipleship. Even if it may be true and you have 1,000% certainty about how a student is feeling or processing, it is better to ask than to assume or accuse. Asking builds trust and allows them to learn (or continue to learn) how to process difficult emotions within a healthy relationship. A simple “How are you feeling today?” with a genuine compassionate tone and a listening ear goes a long way.

I do understand there’s a tension at times even in asking that question, which in and of itself is an indicator of how a student may be feeling. However, I will say, if you’re a student who’s reading this, you have as much responsibility to respond with grace and humility as someone else does in approaching you with grace and humility.

John 13:35 says,
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

We have the opportunity to model the love of Christ and truly show we are His disciples not just through our actions but through our attitudes, approach, and response as we look to encourage and comfort one another in this time.

For those leading students, here is a great response to consider as a student shares with you, especially if they seem closed off or agitated.

“I accept the way you feel and from time to time I’m going to ask you how you’re feeling about everything, not to bug you or because I don’t believe you, but because I care about you and want to help you in any way I can.”

Students, there may be a number of reasons you are closed off, annoyed, or frustrated, and that’s normal. You are not alone. In the book of Psalms there are several psalms of lament where David is publicly processing feelings of doubt, hurt, and frustration.

In Psalm 13, David begins with asking, how long will God forget him? How long must he be filled with sorrow? How long will his enemies have power over him? These are some very raw, deep, and difficult emotions expressed by David. Yet it is also an encouragement to us to know these types of feelings are normal and we’re not the only ones who feel them.

It’s also important to note in the same chapter David goes from despair to a declaration of faith in God. In verse 5 David writes, “But I have trusted in [God’s] steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.” May we not lose sight of the face that, although we’re in a difficult season, God is faithful and we can rejoice in His love.

God knows where you’re at. Let His love sustain you and carry you toward hope.

I do understand there’s a tension at times even in asking that question, which in and of itself is an indicator of how a student may be feeling. However, I will say, if you’re a student who’s reading this, you have as much responsibility to respond with grace and humility as someone else does in approaching you with grace and humility.

John 13:35 says,

“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

We have the opportunity to model the love of Christ and truly show we are His disciples not just through our actions but through our attitudes, approach, and response as we look to encourage and comfort one another in this time.

For those leading students, here is a great response to consider as a student shares with you, especially if they seem closed off or agitated.

“I accept the way you feel and from time to time I’m going to ask you how you’re feeling about everything, not to bug you or because I don’t believe you, but because I care about you and want to help you in any way I can.”

Students, there may be a number of reasons you are closed off, annoyed, or frustrated, and that’s normal. You are not alone. In the book of Psalms there are several psalms of lament where David is publicly processing feelings of doubt, hurt, and frustration.

In Psalm 13, David begins with asking, how long will God forget him? How long must he be filled with sorrow? How long will his enemies have power over him? These are some very raw, deep, and difficult emotions expressed by David. Yet it is also an encouragement to us to know these types of feelings are normal and we’re not the only ones who feel them.

It’s also important to note in the same chapter David goes from despair to a declaration of faith in God. In verse 5 David writes, “But I have trusted in [God’s] steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.” May we not lose sight of the face that, although we’re in a difficult season, God is faithful and we can rejoice in His love.

God knows where you’re at. Let His love sustain you and carry you toward hope.

🔎 Don’t Underestimate, Aim to Understand

As you’re seeking to lead and love your student well, they may express some concerns that, to us, might not seem to be “that big of a deal.”

Even if there’s some truth to that, it’s key for us to try to understand instead of underestimating how they’re feeling. It may not be a big deal to you or to me. It may not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, this doesn’t mean it’s not of the utmost importance to a student.

Downplaying these concerns could potentially damage your relationship and disrupt opportunities for greater discipleship.

Oftentimes our response to downplay certain “trivial” matters comes from a good place of wanting a student to gain a greater perspective on the world, to not invest so much energy and effort to fleeting things, and to ultimately trust in God all the more. May I encourage you this can be accomplished without downplaying their concerns.

As we are called to shepherd students we must remember that sheep are not swift. Patience is key. And what a humbling and encouraging reminder when we consider our Good Shepherd, Jesus. Let us not forgot how He patiently and graciously loves us. How He leads us along so we may grow more and more like Him.

Students, it’s also important for you to remember one of the reasons why this response may arise is because of the very real and difficult circumstances your family might be in, whether job loss, sickness, a strained marriage, these are extremely tough situations. Just as we want others to be compassionate and caring toward us, we must do the same to others, especially those in our own home.

Few things are as touching and humbling as when a student asks how they can pray for me and my family. Thank you for doing so and for setting an example to me of how the Church is to love, care, and support one another. I encourage each of you, students, to ask your family member how you can be praying for them, specifically.

For all of us, may we remember how we are to live as the people of God:

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. –Colossians 3:12–15

🗣 Learn a New Language

With all this time on our hands, it’s the perfect opportunity to learn a new language. I have five potentials for you to choose from:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Quality Time
4. Gifts
5. Physical Touch

The Five Love Languages were created through much research by Dr. Gary Chapman to help spouses better understand one another — how they receive love and how they give love. Yet these languages are not limited to the marriage relationship. They have an effect on every type of relationship, including that between a parent and student.

I encourage you check out Dr. Gary Chapman’s website, blog, and books. They’re helpful as we aim to love one another well. But let me tell you why I bring the Five Love Languages up by sharing a quick story.

Every year when students apply to go on a mission trip we tell them there’s a possibility we’ll have a meeting with them and one of their parents before our first team meeting. We hold these meetings for a variety of reasons and always ask the parent this question:

“What do you admire about your student?”

The answers parents give are thoughtful, beautiful, and breathe so much life into their student. There’s usually a lot of tears shed at this moment (to which I’m a large contributor).

I remember talking to one student, in particular, after our meeting with her dad. I asked whether anything he said had really stuck out to her, to which she replied, with tears in her eyes, “I know my dad loves me…like a lot. But that’s the first time he’s ever really shared it like that.”

I then described the Five Love Languages and asked which resonated with her the most. Her top two were Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. I asked how she thinks her dad shows love. She answered, “Definitely Acts of Service” and proceeded to share with me all the things her dad does, those Acts of Service, to show her and her family love.

We all give and receive love in different ways. So, how do you give love the best? How do you receive love the best? What about the others in your family, how they best give and receive love?

This season will give us the opportunity to spend more time than ever before with our families. Let’s make the most of it by learning how to best love one another. There are free quizzes from Dr. Gary Chapman that will help you and your family do just that.

In the end, loving one another will show the world we are truly His.